New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer, by Bill Maher

Retrieved from: my library, via the Beast's reading pile
1594862958, 2005
Suggested by: we've been known to watch his show....
My Ratings: 7 Merit, 8 Interest, 10 Fun

OK, so the adjectives in the subtitle are wildly inaccurate, clearly meant to be ironic. If you have ever watched any incarnation of Bill Maher's show, you'll know that he's neither polite nor timid. He is annoying and obnoxious, sort of the anti-Chris Matthews.

Honestly, the Beast never misses Maher's show, and frequently watches it in reruns all week. I tend to show up only at the end, when he unveils that week's New Rules. And these are some of the 'best.' Having said that (tongue firmly in cheek), there is a not-so-deeply-underlying theme to most of the rules: sex. I swear the man is stalled at a very precocious age 14. OK, so most 14-year-olds (I hope) don't know the details of weird sexual proclivities, but if they did they'd sprinkle their conversations liberally (ahem) with those terms. Cue Maher's titles for rules, none of which I want to quote.

Examples:

Under a picture of John Bolton:

Hair Apparent
Dye your moustache to match your toupee. You're the new ambassador to the UN, not manager of the month at Baskin-Robbins.

Under a picture of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes :

Emission Impossible
Dating a self-proclaimed 26-year-old virgin is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. You're a big star, you can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn't put out? I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind.

One more. Under a picture of Bush from the debates last fall:

A Suit and Battery
Now that you've won and you're safe, you have to tell us: What the hell was that thing on your back during the debate?

So that should give you a general idea of the cleaner versions.

There are some giggles here, if you can ignore the layer of eeeuww.